How to date me...
Here's my attempt at spelling it out for you. I don't pretend to speak for all women, and I don't presume that most men even care about how I like to be courted. But I do assume that if a man is interested in me, he is also interested in having one or several successful dates with me. I am probably interested in having one or more successful dates with you, and I'm going to attempt to set us up for success.
At the risk of coming across as high maintenance (and I'll get more into that later), here is a partial summary of behaviors, attitudes and traits that I have found attractive. These are not rules; far from it. These are various things that men have done, while on dates with me, that I noticed and appreciated.
Court me. It is the 21st century, I get that. Some things never change, and men are men and women are women (thank God). It is in your DNA to pursue women, so do it, but do it right.
If you are interested in me, ask me out on a real date. That means coffee, a hike, dinner, cooking class, mini golf, whatever. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it should be something where you and I can have some fun and get to know each other. It does not mean that you come over to my house on the pretense of watching a movie and we make out. If you want to go out with me on a Saturday, ask me before Wednesday or Thursday. It would be nice to have a conversation on the phone (shows effort), but text or email is OK, too. Then, make a plan! There is nothing worse than being asked out on a date by a guy who then says, "Well, uuuhhhh, what do you want to do?". OK, I get it, you really want to know what I would enjoy doing. I'll throw you a bone here. I would enjoy getting to know you, and I'm more interested in doing that than in the specifics of whatever it is we do. That said, offer a couple of options. It could sound like this: "I was thinking we could have dinner, does Mexican or Thai sound good to you?" If we go somewhere that takes reservations, make a reservation! That impresses the hell out of me. Offer to pick me up. Assume I will accept. I may or may not accept, for a variety of reasons, primarily safety; I'm a single mom and don't really want guys I don't know well knowing where I live, but I will appreciate the offer, and think you're a rock star for acknowledging our male/female roles.
I guess this is the part where we talk about appearance. We love a guy to look and smell nice. Doesn't have to be fancy, but do shower, shave, and leave the baseball hat at home. My personal pet peeve is the "Seinfeld" look. Sneakers with jeans and a button down is just, well, slightly nerdy. Just change the shoes and you're golden.
Clean out your car. Get the coffee cups, CDs, junk mail and fast food bags off of the front seat. Try to make sure there's nothing gross that I'm going to sit in before you get to my house. Open the car door for me, I like that. I hear that some girls complain about that, but I don't know any. Seriously, chivalry is huge. Opening doors, helping me with my jacket, ordering for me, all that stuff leaves me weak-kneed.
Drive like you actually want to make it to wherever we're going in one piece. I'd hate to discover that I'm on a date with a 19 year old trapped in a 40 year old's body. I like men. Responsible, insurance carrying, safe driving men. Maybe your teenage girlfriends were impressed by your ability to weave in and out of traffic and how you showed that other driver who's boss, but I am prone to motion sickness and my bladder isn't what it was before childbirth. 'Nuff said. Also, try to avoid having Howard Stern or Tom Leykis on the radio. I actually think they're both pretty funny and agree with some of what they say, but I don't want to think you're a misogynist right off the bat. We can joke about their stuff later.
At dinner, please don't complain about the prices. If you can't afford the restaurant, choose a different one, or choose something to do that's less expensive, but complaining about the menu prices is tacky and embarrassing. It makes me feel like a date is a financial burden to you, and that you're not really that interested in me. That might be an issue for me and my therapist, but I haven't healed that part of my inner child yet, so please bear with me.
Leave your cell phone off, or in the car. Unless you're expecting an important call that can't wait (like from your kids or your work), I'd like to have your full attention, and there's no reason either of us should be texting or talking to someone else. If you are that important that you must have your cell phone on and in view at all times, you're probably out of my league anyway.
Have something to talk about. Ask me questions about my work, my kid, my family, my interests. Tell me about you; your work, your kid(s), your family, your interests. For the first date, the guy should pay the check. If we ever get to a "relationship", we will get to a point where we are taking turns paying the check, and I'll be thrilled to reciprocate. But, we're not there yet. Right now, you are courting me, and I'd like to know that you're happy enough to spend time with me that you'll break out your wallet. Have a plan for after dinner. Look up what bands are playing in the area, movie times, dessert places, areas for a walk. Propose a couple different options. If I wore high heels, for example, I probably won't want to go for a long walk, but dessert or a game of pool might be fun. By now we're hopefully having a great time, enjoying each others' company, and we'd both like the evening to continue.
Compliment me. Tell me that you like my hair, my outfit, my eyes, my laugh, my wit, my almost anything. Complimenting my breasts or my rear end is fine (actually, better than fine) if we ever get nekkid, but for now, it's inappropriate and weird. Smile at me, laugh at my jokes, maybe even touch me playfully. I'll do the same if I like you. Do something sweet and endearing, like brush my hair out of my eyes. Yowza.
OK, so now it's late, and you drive me home. Walk me to the door. We'll probably hug or something, and we'll both be a little nervous, wondering if we should kiss. Ummm...tough call. Hopefully, we've had a great time and it's pretty clear that a kiss is what we both want. If that's the case, and you have no doubts that you should go for it, yay! Don't be a pansy about it. Take the lead. Put your hands on my face or on the back of my head and lay it on me. Keep it simple and sexy; leave me wanting more. I won't go into specific kissing techniques here, but needless to say we all have our kissing preferences. FYI, mine is that the rest of my face remain saliva-free and that you not use your tongue to test my gag reflex. If you're not sure, just kiss me on the cheek. If I give you a smoldering stare, I probably want you to cowboy up and kiss me on the lips. I might go for it myself and plant one on you. Good times.
If you'd like to go out again, say so! It can sound like this: "I had a great time tonight. I'd love to see you again." You can even shoot me a text saying more or less the same thing on your way home. Then, call or text within the next couple of days to set up another date. And then you start all over again.
Some guys will read this and immediately think I'm high maintenance. And for some men, I probably am. Call me old fashioned, but I yearn for a man to make a little more effort. I will definitely do the same. I will wear a pretty outfit, do my hair and makeup, get my nails done, stroke your ego, do my best to make you feel like a man. I am a 38 year old woman, born before the internet and cell phones were such an integral part of courtship. The men who think that "hooking up" is a substitute for dating...those men do not interest me. There are men who will read this, and really get it. You will want to do this for a woman that you really like, and you'll wonder what kind of bozos I've been dating that don't do these things.
I'm not a princess, by any means. I am old fashioned, and I also believe in equality. Men and women are equal, but we are different, and no amount of wishing or fussing will make us the same.
If i might add: you don't necessarily have to order for the lady if that's awkward for you, but Please don't order BEFORE her!
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